Emotional Agility

Emotional Agility.

In essence, we are at every moment handling emotions, both in ourselves and in others which are often negative at times. So how does one think about this?

Self Management

We often feel that given the circumstances and facts as we see it we have every right to feel 'hurt, bitter, indignant, angry, sad disgusted. That is so. Fact is that emotions are natural and we would feel what we do feel, and recognising this is critical.

However, rather than say, "I am angry, and mix self and anger together, an alternate would be to articulate this as, "I experience anger as an emotion right now on this issue". This allows the emotion and the self to be seperate. Then one can witness what one is feeling in an objective way. Often the anger and its intensity is so strong that it tends to overwhelm and take over. In moments like this what psychologist call the 'amygdala high jack, one is not able to even view oneself objectively.

The emotion needs to be honoured. It exists and should be graced. Allowing oneself to be aware of one's emotion is critical.

The next phase is to ask oneself. What is the appropriate response to My emotions? Am I seething, steaming, screaming, acting up with self or with others. Is the response the best way to handle the situation. Is there a need to work with the problem or to steer away and ask, "what is the outcome I would like now?"  Engaging in a conversation around what would it take to solve this is more energising than focussing on ' I did this  and you did that' etc. That would be just be going around in Circles. 

Rather than being argumentative one should move to proposals and in turn considering counter proposals. It is this bargaining around proposals that allow for a negotiated space. 

Management of others.

In converse we see negative emotions expressed by others.
Rather than negating the others emotion, begin by accepting it. Say, "I can understand you react the way you did. Question is could they have been a more effective response. And what is the outcome you wish. Is your current response getting you to the outcome you seek? What are the options you can deploy?

Often we rush in with our choices, not their. Imagine a child who returns from the playground complaining that others did not want to play with her. What should you do? You could jump in and say. 'Come let's play'. But is that what is wanted. Rather ask, 'what would help you at this moment- being left alone, take a walk or if you like my playing with you. Offer choice always. Do not assume. Often, we are so saddened with our child having a poor experience that we rush in with 'our best response'. Instead ask the child, what is it that he needs now: that is sensitivity. 

Emotional intelligence is ultimately the intelligent use of one's emotion for self and in interfacing with others.