On Conversation

Take Care of your Conversations (and your conversation will take care of you).

Think about it. What is the one thing we do the most every waking day? That takes a disproportionate amount of time. That’s right – it is talking. Talking, either to someone (either another person or a pet), and largely self-talk, the conversations we have with ourselves. It is estimated that on an average a person spends about 5000 words in self-talk.

We think that when we are not talking, we are listening. For most of us, we either Talk, or are in a mode of ‘waiting to Talk’.

 Consider that when one is talking, one is not paying much attention to thinking before talking, so most of the thought process emerges as part of the rambling talk. Then we meander around, and try and collect our thoughts, even while we continue to speak without a break. So instead of a short crisp relevant response, it becomes a tirade of words – unstructured and thoughtless. Several years ago I witnessed two people talking (both lawyers). One was posing a question and the other tool long pauses before replying to the question. In between there were long silences, chin rubbing and silent eye contact. It was beautiful to see two people engaged in a real conversation, both well connected.

Again when we are listening to the other, are we really? More often than not, the listening is just a polite pretense. One is just waiting to ‘speak again’.  For while we are waiting for the other to wind down, we are too absorbed in listening to the cacophony of our own self-talk, an inner dialogue, that is always going on unceasingly within, “yakety-yak’.

In moments like this, ask yourself a question and be honest with yourself, ‘why do I want to talk?’ what purpose does it serve? Why not be silent? Silence I believe is the strongest speech.

I would like to argue that if conversation is what you are having most of the time, should we not try and be good at it? All our conversations lead us to a feeling outcome: either positive or negative. Our brains are programmed to maximize rewards (pleasure seeking) and minimize pain. If we do want to influence the other does it not make sense to determine what does one need to do to support an energetic conversation. Even more importantly, how does one handle difficult conversations, some even crucial conversations.

For a conversation is not just an exchange of ideas and concepts, just a mind thing- it is more. It is also about evocations and feelings; connecting with trust.

A great conversation satisfies the human desire to both Express and Relate. When good conversations happen, it allows rich reflection of the past, and converts to insights and wisdom. When delving into the tomorrow, it allows for imagination, but adds to it inspiration.

Do take care how you converse. If you do, your conversation will take care of you!