The Heart never Doubts, the Head never Trusts

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you.We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. - Marianne Williamson

Our deepest fear is to doubt ourselves, give credence to all the belief systems we have formulated over the years: some by others, most by ourselves. Do you find yourself in a space where you have started to doubt your beliefs, or have started to believe in your doubts? Bewildered and anxious by actions and prescriptions by people around us, we have adapted self for the sake of others, and lost our own 'original face'. 

Who we really are, we don’t know.

Our doubts (when looked at deeply) contain the deepest fear of total annihilation of our being. Of death. Shakespeare once said, “Cowards die many times before their death, the valiant tastes of death but once”. Our doubts come from the use of our mind to assess the processes of our interiority. That which was a friend to be used outside to manage our world turns foe when we use it internally to assess who we are. The mind is not helpful, it leads to overthinking. The mind is always asking questions. When one answer is provided, another question comes up. The mind is a master – it seeks to stay in control.

We are perfect in every way. Our imperfections as seen by others from time to time are perfect and much required as we evolve. We need to chase no ideals, no goals, no need to be different. No need to be like the other. All we need to do is to be ourselves: we are competent, loveable and compassionate but we have forgotten to trust ourselves. 

Our mind will forever doubt, but our heart will always trust. 

When we drop the 'doing' and realise we are perfect in our imperfections we get to the destination in an instant. I would rather we thrive, rather than forever strive. A little of ‘inferiority’ is great to propel us further, but not if it becomes a complex itself.

We live with doubt, guilt and shame. These are not natural. They are imposed from outside. Stay in your Heart. Stay Trusting. Stay Aware! 

Reflections on the Lost art of Listening

Just today I listened to you,

Share your hope, Your dreams,

your screams of hurt and inattention,

your celebrations, triumphs and success

your world as you see it, expectations and disappointments

You made me realise

In this moment You matter, not I,

To listen to all, said, but you said more,

and I heard that too

and you shortened out some words,

but I could catch that too

To view your world just not in black and white

but in full colour, resplendent of who you are

not just a visual, but to catch the sound

the feel, and most of all,

that ‘lump in the throat’ that is yours

In your sharing you left me a gift

That I could be worth ‘sharing with’

To realise that I can only offer understanding

If I understood myself

While I heard my inner voice listening to you

I realise I must ask of myself

All I have to work on is I

This has been my realisation. Thank you.

Listening is not hearing. Hearing is about what is being said. Listening is being attentive to the speaker. In listening, we are tuned in to what is being said, felt, also said, also unsaid. Listening requires us to be deep connected to the other, offering total presence and with deep awareness. Listening is not about simultaneous evaluation while the speaker is speaking, instead it is about suspending judgements or biases or pre conceptions. Notice the number of times we interrupt, sometimes even rudely. Notice how often we cut across someone else’s conversation.

When one is totally attentive – meditatively attentive, one reaches a flow of connectedness with the other. Bonding through deep listening is stronger than with just words. There is deeper understanding of silence, than that which comes from words. When as coaches we LISTEN, we acknowledge, show respect, display empathy, connect, show presence, and become deeply aware.

Listening is also to be directed to oneself: Our thoughts in our mind (24x7) does not mean we are thinking – far from it! It just means that our thoughts are ephemeral presence that last momentarily, but call us to attention all the time. They have a short shelf life, but make a huge buzz in their lifetime. In fact we are bombarded with our thoughts. Like dust debris that seeps in, they are random, and directionless. They prevent focus. They de-energise over time. Through cultivated mind discipline, ie: stilling of the mind, we can graduate towards Right Thinking. (for further reading refer to Patanjali – Yoga Sutra).

On Mentorship

As I review my current station in life and my role as mentor and coach, I explore the true nature of mentorship. What role does it play and its significance? I explore childhood and the youthful years and offer context.

Initial Caregiver

As a child, post the initial period, there is a quick realisation that there is a ‘self’ and then there are others. The joyous stage of being 'in the womb' is over.

The initial object of love/hate – the primary caregiver mother, is held with ambivalence. Melanie Klein explains carefully in her object relations theory how infants using defense mechanisms to cope with anxieties from seeing objects (initially breasts) as ‘good or bad’. Klein argues for an ‘integrated ego’ – the depressive position that allows for reparation, a necessary effort in human development.

Other relationships

The child eventually comes in contact with other caregivers: the father, other elders and siblings, and the teacher. Back in the days and the joint family set-up, there was no paucity of mentors and caregivers, and a child had many opportunities to discover the axis of relatedness. There were so many under one roof and relationships with each had a very special quality, based on the relative pecking position of each member, based on an affiliative system that supported status and social hierarchy.

In India, the ‘maternal enthralment’ has more salience than the Oedipus complex. The triangle in the former is the mother, son and daughter-in-law, while in the latter is father, son, mother.

Deep within, the boy child knows, ‘I love mother, but I am not going to be like her, when I grow up’. It does not pay to be ‘momma’s boy’ or ‘sissy boy’ – he discovers very quickly, from his peer set, or early mentors at school. So what does it mean to be like father, he wonders?

Search for a Mentor

Today with large migration of labour, father may be distant either physically or psychologically. Worse, if socially and financially marginalised, he has taken to vice: alcohol or drugs or petty crime. The child is in desperate search for identification with his masculine energy. Who would be his role model? The lament of many has been that ‘my father has sired me, but he does not see me?’. Often the young boy fails to find any other ‘adult’ who is responsible, and who can act as his role model or mentor. In the absence of this he has to discover, ‘ways of thinking, feeling and acting’ from his peer set. As is said, in a kingdom of blind, the one eyed, is superior! Mentorship is not possible from peer set. Peers create tensions to confirm to group behavior: be like us!

No wonder then, any responsible act by any member is frowned by the majority. Young black children in the US were taunted as ‘Being White’ if they demonstrated discipline and commitment to a responsible path of adulthood.

If eventually the youth does find a mentor/teacher, he may end up valuing the fact that this person ‘sees me inside’ but alongside, unconsciously is also a wish, to be ‘fathered’ and to receive ‘love and affection’ perhaps not provided by the biological father. This transference is a reality, and so very often we heap our relationship with a mentor, to be ‘dad’ as well to us. This is worsened if the mentor swallows / introjects this and colludes in doing so.

What mentorship does….

A mentor helps channelize the masculine energies of the youth into creative channels. He is supported to learn discipline and bring in hard work and perseverance. A vision of the future which is compelling, and an ethical sense to distinguish right from wrong. In this there is character building and values.

In the absence of responsible mentoring the young person is left with few role models. On one hand he witnesses first-hand the excesses of an irresponsible father, who frustrated with his own life circumstances, drinks himself to a stupor, beats his wife or children, or who leaves home, with even more ‘irresponsible acts’ in mind. Instead of a mentor, the child is left with a truncated childhood, forced to hold anxieties on behalf of other adult members of the family. A child instead of seeing two loving adults ‘respect and love’ each other witness instead abuse, and havoc, even wondering at an unconscious level, ‘I wonder if I may have caused this?’ In financially weak homes, the child has to even discontinue education, resort to child labour, or early employment, in order to support the family.

It seems to me, that the privilege of man is just simply by birth. There is really no need to work for it. His ‘rights’(patriarchy) are enforced by violence if need be, and by a social system that allows for social hierarchy.

So back to mentorship….

What kind of mentors have we had during our childhood and youthful stage? How has the picture of relatedness with them influenced the way we act as mentors? How has the social context enabled or destabilised mentoring? Does the quality of 'menteeship' determine the overall quality of the mentor?

To me, then, the role of a mentor is to help support and channelise the energies of the youthful self to that point, when it is time for him to take responsibility and guide and mentor others. What do you think?