Steve Correa Blog

Releasing Judgement – Reflections by Steve Correa
I gather that judgement evokes guilt, as we feel assessed. Unfortunately this assessment is against someone’s subjective belief’s system and not objective criteria, etc. Further, when you criticise someone (and here I include being sarcastic, and caustic remarks too) we are being judgemental. We are saying, the rules we live by are better or more moral, or more accurate, or more correct than YOURS. A president once said, before going to war, “either you are with us, or you are
against us”, and converted everything to black and white. The war, by the way still rages. This is not an isolated instance: all wars, colonisation in the past has been from a moral standpoint: either to convert the ‘low life’ to a higher moral life, or that the victims, would benefit from such hegemony. The oppressor feels like the ‘rescuer’ in his story; the oppressed feels like the
victim in his. History records it as a victory or defeat, depending which side wins J. In my country, the 1857 civil revolt movement was a war for independence. Winston Churchill famously
said, ‘History will be kind, we would have written it”.
Let me dive deeper: when we criticise others, we are actually critical of that, which is
inside. The bible says, “judge not that thou be judged’. It is the absence of self – love for ourselves which is the real issue. We compare ourselves with others, although we know intellectually, it is not correct. We want to be like someone else, have something like someone else, be something like someone else – hoping he has the elixir of life. Thinking that he / she is happy. That he /she
has discovered true happiness , which is denied to us. The advertisements and billboards display images of those, who appear to be happy, content. Behind the billboard, lies the misery of an upcoming brand model, a miserable overworked artist, a harassed camera man, an irate customer. Who is happy? Yet the illusion goes on, and inexorably. Who has found that elsusive thing, called happiness? Bubka, the world champion, pole vault, only compared himself with
himself – that is what champions do! They set benchmarks for themselves. From
getting better, to good to great – they are always striving. It’s me versus myself.
For it is only when you are yourself, when you truly accept yourself: with all your own idiosyncrasy and foibles, when you accept yourself as being human, can you accept others. It
is then you can be human unto yourself and be human unto others. This acceptance has to be total, it cannot be unconditional, it cannot be judgemental. It cannot be marginal, it cannot be lived on the circumference –for to live this completely it has to be deeply integrated. To be living in the core – to live life in the centre. Acceptance is about living with all of you: the parts you like and dislike. It is not about tolerating or coping, but total acceptance of all the parts, including the disliked parts: to have equanimity. American Indian folklore, shares the story of a child asking his father, seeing two wolves fight: which one will win? The good or the evil wolf. The father
replied, both are within you. The one who will win, is the one you feed!. There is no GOOD or BAD – they are all judgements. They are all beliefs. Usually, they are all passed down to us, and swallowed whole without questioning. Stake your meanings to values you hold, stake your values, your meanings, never your LIFE. When we truly accept ourselves as Unique, we can readily accept others around us as Unique beings. Folks who we do not wish to change, who we do not
accept to be one thing or another. Folks, who do not live by our judgements of them. Either we are seeking validation or confirmation from others or we are invalidating or disrespecting others. We see saw through life, mortgaged to some ‘significant’ other who has more power to our life than our own, or we life in exile, a prisoner to our own banishment. As coaches, we have to be careful. Do we ask Leading questions, thereby inputting approval or disapproval, proffer advice (even with the best of intentions?). Or do we become more subtle and manipulative by hidden advice, ‘or would it help to….’.If we truly believe the client is the captain of the ship, why are we
navigating: enjoy the ride! J We have one role – to be the mirror, to offer presence. Let us not add dust to the mirror. Let us be aware. When judgement comes – be aware, then release it, and
let it be gone!