Grace in Conversations

Through many dangers, toils and snares

I have already come,

'Tis grace has brought me safe thus far

And grace will lead me home.

Lyrics from Amazing Grace

At work and socially, we have so many occasions to show grace, to be bigger than ourselves. Can we truly say that we leave people feeling more positive and energized and engaged after a conversation, or at the end we come out of the event devastated and frustrated. It is critical to assess how we bring about closures. I remind myself each meeting, if I can truly believe the conversation helped both of us: that is a true test of leadership effectiveness.

Build your opponent a golden bridge to retreat across.”

― Sun Tzu

One of the greatest skills, is to influence and impact the other, supported either by formal ‘power’ bestowed or otherwise. When an issue becomes a conflict, our natural reaction is to fight, flight or freeze. I would advocate, that ‘neither defy nor deny, but define; neither denounce nor renounce but announce, neither accuse or defuse, but confirm’. Through this new response, one can bring new direction, new meaning, new choices, and new actions.

 Having had more than three decade of experience in mergers, integration and transforming culture and organization, that involves re-setting the power dynamics and ‘new ways of working’ I am convinced that being graceful about change (being sensitive) is very important for leaders.  Coming through as being fair, professional and with principles is important. Employees may not feel good with the decisions: may agree or disagree with the results, and may be adversely impacted, but they must believe that the process was fair.

Perhaps for us men at work, being competitive at all times has been driven into us. While we hear, ‘play by the rules’, ‘be a gentleman’ do we really believe that.

The terms we use at work (many taken from war or sports) continue to reinforce, winning or losing. Deep within, we fear, “Nice guys come last”.

“The greatest victory is that which requires no battle.”

― Sun Tzu, The Art of War

I have innumerable personal instances in which I have lacked grace. Despite knowing that everything was flowing my way (aligned with want I wanted), I continued to act in a manner that appeared territorial or intimidating.

I am reminded of Lao Tsu” There is nothing in the world more soft and weak than water, yet for attacking things that are hard and strong there is nothing that surpasses it, nothing that can take its place”.

Again I try and remember “If you would contract, you must first expand. If you would weaken, you must first strengthen. If you would overthrow, you must first raise up. If you would take, you must first give. This is called the dawn of intelligence.

Intellectually, I get all this. But in the moment, in that crucial moment to offer grace, Do I? 

Amazing grace! How sweet the sound, That saved a wretch like me! I once was lost but now am found, Was blind but now I see. ~ John Newton, Hymnist