Once more on Leadership

How to like and be liked

Let me offer you two thoughts from David Rock, the SCARF model and my builds.

Our brain, he argues is wired for either reward (dopamine release) or punishment (I have elaborated on this from a Buddhist Perspective in several of my posts).

Status, Certainty, Autonomy, Relatedness and Fairness have a tremendous impact on our relationship.

Status – an increase or decrease can be achieved through feedback. Using Appreciate Enquiry, or feedforward – focusing on what is being done well. By offering negative feedback all the time we create and perpetuate the danger response. Also, as leaders, since we wish to share more on any issue with our direct reports, they may feel even more vulnerable. Enhancing the status of the other, making them feel valued would help. Read more about Pygmalion effect.

Certainty – What will happen during change. Just giving more information moves them to reduced anxiety. Setting clear expectations will create certainty.

My experience tells me that people are not afraid around change, they just need more and more information around the uncertainty that surrounds change. Providing regular communication will help including engaging people during change.

Autonomy – offering people choices, reduce stress. People need to know they have choices. Avoid micro managing. No one likes a hobson’s choice. Even in a stormy brawl in a bar, police tend to be very polite to the offender and offer him choices, ‘Would you like for us to walk outside and discuss this, or shall we move to the back of the bar?’. Try this with your child, “Would you like to do your homework an hour before dinner, or would you prefer an hour post dinner?”

Relatedness – when you meet new people, you feel stress regarding strangers. But as we get to know people (he is like me; not like me) is important to increase or reduce oxytocin. As leaders amply the personal relationship as they do not wish to be too close. Discussing one’s emotions reduces the impact of the emotion. All humans have a desire to engage and relate. All our fears are ‘internal’, created by the brain. Apprising one’s own thinking, feeling and behaving continuously would lead to personal growth. Remember we are all part of the social world.  

Fairness – a fair exchange increases positive feelings. Providing a perception of fairness is critical. Having a set of principles is important. Employees need to feel safe. That their backs are being protected. Organizations must demonstrate justice and fairness is being dispensed.

As leaders, we may end up creating danger responses by default. To enhance increase Status, Provides clear expectation, empowers, relates and connects and comes across as being fair. When we focus attention (I prefer to call it awareness) we become intelligent, and we experience total mindfulness.

Compassion, that goes beyond sympathy and empathy becomes ours to possess. Then we truly become leaders.