Frameworks from NLP

On Building Trust – a framework from NLP

Trust will arise with the Coach if client believes you ‘understand him’ and he expects he/she can get value from you. So how does one build trust? Is there a framework to understand this better? NLP provides such a model (for more read, Richard Bandler’s, Structure of Magic, Volume II.

One way, is to follow the predicates used by the client. Language is not experience but a representation of the feeling, like similar to the analogy that the map is not the territory, but a representation. Language patterns offer a clue to universal modelling processes: deletion, distortions and generalisations. 

For example, a client may talk about touch /feel (kinesthetic) or this does not look like (visual) or this sounds (auditory), etc. By consciously selecting and matching your predicates, will help enable trust. This ability to be flexible and use of predicates in clients mode, is one aspect of mirroring, and creating ‘likeability and trust’.

So for instance, if client says this proposal does not sound right (visual) rather than switch predicate and asking, ‘why do you feel this way?’ or even “ what did you see that is not right?” is not helpful. Instead ask, ‘ what changes would you hear added that it would sound right for you?’

Avoid using Why, instead use all other question forms to allow for a connection with the surface and the deeper experience. Why creates explanations. Instead allow for expansion of the surface.

Ask, how would you like to see added to this? (if visual) or ‘what specific additions would make you feel comfortable (if client is Kinesthetic).

Bandler, observing Virginia Satir, provides a meta model around examining such deletions, distortions, misrepresentations or cause effect, mind reading,etc and how the coach can assist enable larger perspective by going beyond words, and get deeper understanding of the experience.

By alerting ourselves to the experience of the map, we change our experience of the territory. The maps are formed by the language patterns we use, and hence the meta model helps provide a framework to change and alter. An assumption or belief (say an unhelpful belief which is limiting) makes us uncomfortable and makes our world be perceived as uncomfortable.

For instance (mind reading), “my story must be boring you”.  Don’t respond by saying, ‘No, not at all’. Ask Instead, how do you think your story is boring me? That’s a positive challenge, and it forces the client an opportunity to examine this ‘mind reading’. A map here is my story is boring, I am boring, and my own esteem is low and its dysfunctional to my self worth.

NLP provides for management of similar meta models – around 22 or more which have been described and explained.

The role of the coach is to help client recognise and challenge patterns of limiting beliefs. By this mere shift of language you help change the map, and the resultant experience.

Rather than focus on the issue, Milton Ericsson, would 'chunk up' using hypnosis and abstractions and embedded commands to steer the client to a whole new perspective. 

He would not direct, rather, " I don't know how soon you would like to relax, but I do know it would be a matter of time before you relax" Later, " I wonder where your mind would go if you were to relax, and think about things that are important to think". 

By building presupposition, you are embedding commands into the client. instead of saying, "I think you are now thinking....." instead you are saying, "I wonder when you would be thinking around....". This is effective cushioning. If the client accepts the statements, he accepts the presupposition. This then allows for the seeding, and embedding of the command. 

Presupposition of existence, for example, 'this is this, and that presupposes that I am not that'. (weak/strong). Or presupposition of awareness, "all I want for you to focus on is the sounds and the feeling of your body, in the here and now", and then embed "and this means there is great learning now". 

In other words, you make a couple of statements that the client agrees with, as they are obvious statements of facts (presupposition, and you are saying Yes), then you insert the conversational hypnosis (this means that you are learning). the insertion is offering plausibility. You start with obvious facts and then you lead them to where you want to go (called pacing and leading).

Model operators of necessity, is demonstrated by client, often saying, "this has to be done" or "I must do this". Else? Moving him from 'must' to 'I choose" helps position the behaviour. Being in a double bind, 'dammed if i do, dammed if i don't". 

"When would you like to study, before or after your bath?" or "How would you like to pay, by cash or by card?"

In all that is shared above important to remember, are the words of Milton E, "be your own natural self, don't imitate another: it is pretense". Develop your own technique which works for you and suits you. All you need is a strategic sense for where you are going. Focus in the client always. Help client understand his own behaviour, do not interpret it for him. 

A helping relationship begins with Entry, an Offer and a smooth Exit. Or said differently, how do you set up? How do you intervene, and how do you follow through on exit. When boxing, and wishing to deliver a left hook, you set it up, with left leg forward, right leg behind, crossed, follow with hook, and move left leg inwards, while swing outwards with right leg. That's what technique is about. All three elements are crucial to make the KO happen! Anticipate, Respond, Retract and begin again.

In terms of therapy, one way of doing this could be:

• set up, 'the positivity for acceptance of support', engage with the enactment of the symptoms but subtly, raise the game for the challenge to succeed (pile it on), then confirm readiness for therapy and 
• re-enact the phenomena, but with autosuggestion to drop it aside: with specific confirmation of what is needed to clarify cure. 
• When done, confirm the action. Heighten the reconfirmation by exaggerated drama: elegant packaging which heightens the finish. 

Great example of this method and application would be in the area of treating phobias. Other methods include disassociation (supporting de-sensitisation), working episodically backwards, and filling in newer details obfuscating newer elements. Re-visiting and re-framing (reversal) and re-positioning the 'here and now' and adding control and autonomy, thereby empowering the client. Some use positive anchoring, to bring in positive re-associations, in re-dealing with similar occurrences. 

In the ultimate analysis, either we grow or we decay! We are blessed with infinite potentiality.